I feel trapped.

I think this must be one of the longest times it has taken me to process my life out. I just finished rereading an email I wrote two weeks ago, and only now did its content hit me hard.

The gist? I miss feeling and knowing God’s love for me.

Grateful for a good cry tonight; didn’t realize how much pent up emotion I had over this until now. I’ve been so afraid that God’s watching my every move, waiting for me to make a mistake so that He can point His finger at me and condemn me to hell. I’ve been so afraid of not loving others enough, because maybe that means that He won’t love me. I’ve been afraid to face Him because I’m scared I’ll look into His eyes and see disgust, condemnation, and hatred. But… that’s not who He is at all…

“I want Jesus to be the only person in the world with His eyes on me, not because He’s waiting for my next move in a game of chess to see if I made the right move, but simply because He loves me and wants me and wants to be with me.”

He loves me and He wants me, and I didn’t realize how much I missed hearing that until I heard it again tonight.

Is it bad that I’m happy this year’s pretty much over? It’s been a good year. It’s been a CRAZY year. Filled with testimonies of miracles of His goodness. But I’m glad for it to be done. Ministry and leadership have been good too, but I’m SO relieved to put it aside and breathe for awhile. I need a break. I need to get away. I need to get back to a place of knowing, not just in my head, that Jesus is my LORD, my SAVIOR, my LOVE.

I’m scared that I’ve forgotten. I’m scared I will forget. Because… forgetting God’s love is equivalent to forgetting who I am.

And that is the scariest thing.

Text from a dear sister-in-Christ today:
“Princess Abby, how are you doing with the Lord today?”

Seriously, such a refreshing question at such a pertinent time. Currently very tired of “how’s ministry doing?” or “how is school going?” or even “how are you doing?”

Why don’t we ask each other this question more often? Specifically, how are you doing with the Lord today?

And the truthful answer is: I don’t know right now. I feel so far away from Him and I think it’s my fault for running away. I’m tired, and I’m tired of sharing His love with others that I don’t have or feel for myself. I want life to take a pause, and I want to lie back in my Daddy’s arms and sit there for awhile. I just want to hide from the world, just for a little bit… is that okay, God?

Let me hide in Your embrace.

Today, I started reading through my old journals. I have a pile of six journals I want to get through from the past two years. I’m at a place where I need to remember where I’ve been and who I was, but most importantly, where God’s BEEN in the midst of the storms of my life. I feel like an Israelite in the Old Testament; God’s done so much for me, in me, and through me, and… I don’t remember much of it. How could my heart have hardened so much as of late?

Anyway, as I read through them, I might post some of my thoughts from past journals on here. Things that strike me, things that speak to me, things that remind me of the God that I say I love so much.

Here’s the first!

May 18, 2010 (on leading a bible study)

And He told me that despite my wariness and my unqualified-ness, He will carry me through because I am leading His children and if I let Him, He will use me and guide me through it.

Two years later, I still feel wary and unqualified in regards to leading. Who am I to lead others into His presence? Who am I to shepherd His flock? Who am I to be a leader of leaders?

It’s crazy that freshman Abby and her relationship with God is speaking to junior Abby in regards to her current relationship with God. Yes, I am unqualified. Yes, I am not the most emotionally mature person. Yes, maybe to me and to some others, I may not be the most fitting for the roles that God has called me to. But the truth of the matter that I keep leaving out is that I am no ordinary leader. I am a leader empowered by GOD to lead HIS children. I have grace, I have mercy, I am forgiven.

And the truth is, it’s not really about me anyways. It’s about HIM. Always, always about Him. What He did. What He’s done. What He’s currently doing.

If my leadership and my ministry is about Him, then I have no need for worry. If it’s about doing His work and fulfilling His purposes, won’t He give me what I need when I need it? All I have to do is let my Father use me and guide me, and He will do the rest.

There’s no need to be afraid
Your Daddy’s here and it’s okay
My love will take the fear away
My Little One

[jon.thurlow]